I Was Not Magnificent
by HanaKimiCali
Summary: Sebastian and Kurt become friends as Kurt is working at the Lima Bean over the summer but one of them is keeping a scary secret. Warning: Character Death.


The thing was that he was too good at hiding it. He seemed so preoccupied with trying to get Blaine's attention that neither of them noticed all the times that Sebastian would wince as he stood up; how he never really took sips of his coffee, he just held it in his hands and played with the lid. Blaine would roll his eyes at nearly everything that he said, especially when it had to do with trying to get him to a secluded place away from Kurt.

Kurt finally started to pick up on things after his senior year when he started working at the Lima Bean. It turned out that Sebastian didn't live there, but he did enjoy picking up a coffee in the morning before heading off to Dalton and then another one around three o'clock after school. During his afternoon stops he would sit at the same table for nearly two hours, doing his homework or people watching out the window. Kurt would always take his coffee order and deliver it to him, reacting in just the perfect way to all of Sebastian's quips and comments about his clothing or voice. Although Kurt didn't like to admit it, it had started to become an interesting routine and as much as he didn't want to say, he got used to Sebastian's presence. He started to pick up on things that he didn't realize he had noticed in the first place. How Sebastian always got a bagel and cream cheese to-go during his morning stops, how he always started his day off with a regular coffee but when he came in the afternoon he would get a vanilla latte.

He noticed quickly that Sebastian always got picked up in a car from the Lima Bean, even though he knew that the boy had his own car, he found it curious. He could never see who was in the driver's seat but he always watched silently, trying to get a sneak peak.

When he and Blaine had decided that it was for the best to go their separate ways for a while, Kurt desperately hoped that Sebastian wouldn't notice. The last thing that he needed was to hear about Blaine and Sebastian drunkenly hooking up at Scandals, it would just burn too much. So he kept up his usual demeanor, quipping about his obnoxious hair and his slimy attitude in hopes that Sebastian wouldn't notice any difference. After nearly two weeks however, he knew for a fact that news had gotten around all of Lima of his new singleness and he was just waiting for Sebastian to find a way to bring it up in conversation. He never did.

It was Tuesday morning in August, Kurt found himself struggling to keep up with the early morning rush when he saw that familiar navy and red uniform sauntering his way, a bit slower than usual towards the back of the line. He didn't want to waste his precious time faltering over Sebastian's order so he stopped what he was doing and filled a medium sized cup with their home drip and left it on the counter, Sebastian's name scrawled lazily on the white cardboard. Sebastian just stood lazily in line unaware of the fact that his morning coffee was already waiting for him.

As he stepped up to the counter to order his drink, Kurt was sliding the cup towards him and Sebastian's reaction was not one that Kurt expected. He smiled, not a full on 'I'm trying to steal your boyfriend' kind of smile but a relieved, grateful smile. Like the cup of coffee was the only thing that he needed in the world in that moment. He looked up at Kurt as he set down two dollar bills on the counter, his smile holding and transforming his face into one that was unknown to Kurt.

"This was everything that I needed." Sebastian said, his voice a bit hoarse but Kurt thought that it must have been because of the early hour; Sebastian wasn't quite awake and alert just yet. Kurt looked up into his eyes and it made Kurt's breath catch. Although the rest of him was so well put together and just screamed High School Prep, his eyes looked tired. There were faint circles under his eyes and Kurt wondered if they had always been there or if they had just taken form. Sebastian may have been a complete jerk to him and Blaine any chance he could but he never looked tired. Kurt didn't know what to say.

"See you, Kurt." Sebastian said as he walked away. The next customer walked up to order but Kurt didn't even acknowledge them, he was watching Sebastian walking out of the shop and into a black car that was sitting idle on the curb. Once it finally pulled out of view, he was turned to the customer that was standing in front of him and put on his usual show.

Sebastian didn't come in that afternoon for his latte and as Kurt gathered his things to leave the shop for the day, he couldn't help but wonder why. Sebastian hadn't deviated from his routine for the entire summer and now suddenly he was a no show. Kurt shook his head to clear his thoughts, he wondered why he even cared about Sebastian in the first place. They loathed each other. He went home and Sebastian flew out of his mind for the rest of the night.

Kurt doesn't see Sebastian for nearly two weeks. He hadn't thought about him in nearly as long. He started to pick up more shifts at the Lima Bean to support his shopping habit and his Dad had just made him start paying his cell phone on his own. Something about learning independence, although it's kind of difficult being independent when you are still living in your father's home. Even with all the space they give him and all the free time he has between his shifts, he mind still never wanders to Sebastian and his absence.

So it was a complete shock to him when he showed up in the middle of the afternoon to work a closing shift that he had been asked to cover and he saw Sebastian sitting at his usual table drinking his latte. Not only was his sudden reappearance shocking but he wasn't in his Dalton uniform. He sat alone at his table, in a short sleeve polo and slim fitting black jeans. Kurt thought his well worn brown leather boat shoes pulled the simple outfit together nicely. Although it was nice to see that Sebastian was there, Kurt felt the urge to go over and get answers. He stormed over to the table and sat down in the wooden chair across from Sebastian. The moment Kurt sat down, the notebook that Sebastian had been writing in was slammed shut and Sebastian looked up at Kurt, wide eyed.

"Where the hell have you been?" Kurt started and his voice came out harsher than he had expected, he sounded like he actually cared where Sebastian had been. Sebastian smirked at him.

"Missed me?" He asked smugly. It was his usual demeanor but something about it caught Kurt off guard, as if Sebastian's heart just wasn't quite in it. Kurt just watched him with a steel gaze until Sebastian gave in to him. "All right, just stop looking at me like that. My father decided that Dalton wasn't as well bred as it used to be so my parents pulled me out of school and got me a tutor." Sebastian finished and took a sip of his latte.

"You're being home schooled?" Kurt asked, it sounded like the lamest excuse ever, but he knew that the Smythe's were wealthy so he was willing to play along with the pedigree mongering so they fell into a silence that was neither comfortable or awkward, they just were.

"As riveting as this silence is, I really have better places to be and I'm pretty sure you're supposed to be working." Sebastian said as he stood and shoved his notebook into his messenger bag and stood from his seat. He stumbled for a moment, nearly falling on the ground beneath their table but he caught his footing just in time. Kurt stood up from his seat quickly to help but was cut off by Sebastian.

"Stop. I'm fine." Sebastian said, his eyes closed and his neck burning red from embarrassment and Kurt stopped dead in his tracks. He watched Sebastian regain his stance before he opened his eyes and he glanced quickly into Kurt's cerulean eyes.

"You okay?" Kurt asked.

"Fine." Sebastian mumbled before walking out of the coffee shop, towards the ever present black car. Kurt watched him go as he always did and when he couldn't see the car any longer, he walked behind the counter to find his apron and began work.

Weeks later, the routine was back in place. With each and every visit Sebastian was less and less snarky and more like a normal friend, coming in for his coffee, staying for a while until he was whisked away by his black steed. There were times when Kurt would take his fifteen minute breaks during his shifts and he would spend them glued to Sebastian in conversation at his table.

It was a Friday when he got a phone call at the shop in the middle of his shift. Sebastian had just left for the day, getting into his black car and driving off. Carole was on the other end of the line, crying. Burt had been complaining about chest pain all day until he finally collapsed in the middle of their living room. He was at Lima Memorial, in the emergency room. All the blood in Kurt's veins froze, he didn't want to have to go through this again. He told his manager that he had a family emergency and he left work immediately.

Thankfully there was nothing horribly wrong with his father this time around, he had been sneaking too many sweets and his body just couldn't handle it. He was patiently sitting in the waiting room while they waited for the doctors to sort out the discharge papers; Carole was down in the cafeteria getting coffee for the two of them when he saw a familiar face step out of a room.

"Sebastian?" Kurt called out, his voice echoing down the sterile hallway. Sebastian turned and saw Kurt sitting in the waiting room and he looked as if all the blood rushed out of his face, pale as a sheet. Kurt stood up quickly and rushed over to Sebastian, standing nearly a foot shorter than him.

"What are you doing here? Are you okay?" Sebastian asked softly, he seemed exhausted and ready to keel over.

"My dad was having chest pains. What's going on with you? Is everything all right?" Kurt glanced down and noticed the gauze that was taped to the inside of his elbow and he reached out for it. Sebastian pulled his arm away before Kurt could touch him, as if his touch was fire.

"Just mind your own damn business." Sebastian muttered as he stormed past Kurt, roughly brushing against his shoulder, nearly causing Kurt to trip over his own feet. He was shocked at Sebastian's behavior but he didn't call out after him, he just let him leave. Watching him storm out of the hospital. Once he regained his footing he noticed something on the ground; Sebastian's journal. He picked it up and looked at it with hesitation.

He sat up in his bed that night, holding the journal. Feeling the weight of it in his hands and he tried to think of what he was going to do with it.

It took him three days to decide to read it. Not all of it, just enough to understand a little bit more about Sebastian. When he got home from work that day he went straight upstairs and closed his bedroom door. He pulled the journal out of the top drawer of his night stand and set it in the middle of his mattress. He stared at it for nearly ten minutes before he took it in his hands and opened it.

The first entry was from a Saturday morning in February 2005, a little over seven years ago. Which means that Sebastian would have been about ten years old. The writing was a bit sloppy, less practiced than his seventeen year old hand. Each entry was directed toward someone called Medullo, which Kurt thought was a funny name for a journal but he read the first entry.

_ Medullo,_

_ My therapist thinks that it's a good idea to talk to you. She says it will help me to feel better but I think it's a lie. Because you are still here in my head and I don't think you're going anywhere._

Kurt skipped through several entries until he came upon one that was nearly two years after his first one. The writing was a bit easier to read even though he could tell that the entry had been written in a rush.

_Medullo,_

_ You're gone. You're gone for good._

Kurt tried his best to imagine twelve year old Sebastian and a warm fuzzy feeling coursed across his skin. He liked to imagine Sebastian at that age being very playful and childlike, nothing like the hard and cold person that he was today. Feeling another wave of curiosity hit him, Kurt turned to the last page that had been written on and began to read the most recent entry; it was from only two months prior.

_Medullo,_

_ You are such a fickle bitch. After all this time I thought that I was rid of you, I thought that I could finally live my life for myself and no one else, you creep up once again and worse this time. I guess I should have seen this coming, I've been practically lethargic every day, so much so that I have taken to being driven around in the town car instead of driving myself to school. For the past two weeks I've had morning sickness. Every morning. Please. You can't do this-_

Kurt closed the journal and threw it on the other side of his bed. He didn't want to read anymore, didn't want to even look at the journal anymore. He knew that he had to get rid of it, he had to give it back and never think about it again. He stood up off of his bed, pulled on his boots, grabbed the journal and his keys and got in his car and drove towards Westerville. It took him nearly an hour of driving to get there and nearly twenty more minutes to find the right house. Someone living in a large mansionesque home in Lima would stand out, but finding a mansion in a sea of mansionesque houses was difficult; they all looked the same. He then sat in his car for at least fifteen more minutes convincing himself to go to the front door.

He rang the doorbell and heard it echo through the acoustic mass of the front room. A minute later he was face to face with Sebastian, who rolled his eyes the second they landed on Kurt.

"No, you can't be here." Sebastian said in a hoarse whisper before he tried to slam the door but Kurt caught it. "Kurt." It was a warning this time but Kurt didn't back down. In took another step closer to go into the house and Sebastian finally gave in, letting Kurt step past him in his gigantic house. Sebastian closed the door and Kurt spun around to look at him. His skin looked gaunt, like it was stretched over bones that were too big and he still looked exhausted.

"Look, I just came to bring this back to you. You dropped it at the hospital the other day." Kurt held out the journal and Sebastian quickly snatched it out of his hand. Sebastian held it until his knuckles turned white, Kurt was beginning to feel confusion seeping in.

"I hope you don't kill me but I kind of read some of it." Kurt said nonchalantly, hoping that Sebastian wouldn't bite his head off for invading his privacy. It could almost be seen as payback for every time Sebastian invaded his privacy in the past.

"You read it?" Sebastian said, sounding more worried than scared.

"Not a lot of it. A little weird to talk to your journal like it's a real thing and what kind of name is Medullo anyway?" Kurt said with an oblivious scoff as he walked down the hall looking at pictures on the wall, trying desperately to resist the urge to peak into rooms but he was failing miserably. Sebastian just watched his helplessly from the top of the hallway. Kurt peaked into a small room at the end of the hall, there was a small lamp on the side table that stood next to a small hospital bed. Kurt scrunched his eyebrows together in confusion. He looked further into the room and saw multiple carts that held medical equipment within them. He could hear Sebastian walking up behind him slowly but he couldn't pull his eyes away from the hospital bed. He could hardly even blink.

"What, does your grandpa live here or something?" Kurt mumbled, trying to pull his lips up into a smirk but his muscles wouldn't listen to his brain. He could hear Sebastian scoff behind him but he didn't answer the question. Why would he, Kurt already knew the answer.

"When I was ten, the therapist at the hospital told me that keeping a journal about how I was feeling would help me feel better, keep me from feeling helpless. I thought it was complete bullshit but I did it anyway. It became habit after a while and I just kept up with it." Sebastian said as he squeezed past Kurt in the doorway and stepped into the room, blocking Kurt's view of the hospital bed. Kurt looked up into his eyes, seeing Sebastian in the gold cascading light of the bedside lamp, all of his sharp shadows looking more prominent; sickly. All those times that Kurt noticed that he looked tired, he realized that it wasn't just normal tiredness; he was sickly. When Kurt didn't say anything in response Sebastian continued.

"Medullo is short for Medulloblastoma. Which is what I have, it's what's wrong with me." Sebastian said quietly and Kurt felt that unnerving itching feeling behind his eyes. He didn't know what that meant, he didn't know what any of this meant; his brain couldn't keep up.

"Wha-" He started but Sebastian cut him off.

"I'm telling you all of this because these past few months we've managed to become some kind of friends and I don't lie to my friends." Sebastian said, stepping closer to Kurt so that they were only a foot away from each other. Kurt looked up slightly to meet Sebastian's eyes, trying to put all of his pleading into them, he didn't want to hear what was coming next.

"It's a brain tumor. Or what started as a brain tumor but now it's just cancer. Everywhere. I went into remission five years ago but…I'm not in remission anymore." Sebastian ended his sentence in a low whisper, he was terrified of his words just as much as Kurt was. There was silence all around them, surrounding them, suffocating them. Kurt reached out and his fingers brushed slightly against Sebastian's arm, feeling the silky hairs all the way down to his wrist. He tightened his hand against Sebastian's wrist and let his warmth spread from him into the other man. All the while, they didn't break eye contact with each other. Sebastian seemed as if he was about to cry, but he didn't; he was too exhausted to cry any more.

Kurt spent more and more time with Sebastian as the months passed. Sebastian began to get too sick to come into the Lima Bean so when he would get off work he would order an extra vanilla latte and bring it to Sebastian's house for him. Kurt thought it would be horrifying being friends with someone with terminal cancer but most of their time spent together was so carefree that sometimes Kurt forgot that he was sick at all. He didn't realize until later that Sebastian, for the most part, was putting on a show in front of Kurt. Sebastian understood that they were growing closer and he didn't want Kurt to remember him being a crying, heaving pathetic lump of a person; so he kept the real ailments to himself as long as he could.

Kurt's favorite thing to do was sit in Sebastian's makeshift hospital room with him and watch musicals together. Even on the days when Sebastian was bed ridden after an intense round of chemo, Kurt still sat with him and they sang along to Wicked and Rent. When Sebastian would jump out of bed to run to the bathroom he would make Kurt keep the movie playing so that he wouldn't hear him heaving into the toilet across the hall.

It was Saturday night, the weekend before Christmas and there was light snow falling outside. Sebastian lay in bed with Kurt in his usual spot in the comfy chair beside Sebastian's bed and they were watching Moulin Rouge for the fourth time in the past month. Kurt had decorated the railing of Sebastian's bed with small white and red Christmas lights that twinkled on a certain setting. They settled in to watch the movie and Kurt shut of the bedroom light but clicked on the glittering lights and watched them dance around Sebastian's face. They movie started and they fell into a comfortable silence just watching together. As Christian sang 'Your Song' to Satine, Kurt couldn't help but glance over to Sebastian and watch him. He had the faintest trace of a sad smile on his lips and it tugged at Kurt's heartstrings. Red and white lights graced his profile and the breath seemed to lock inside of his lungs. Sebastian looked so flawless and gorgeous in the shinning darkness, more gorgeous than anything Kurt had ever seen in his entire life.

He reached out his hand and settled it on top of Sebastian's, feeling him tense for a moment under the pressure of another hand. Kurt watched Sebastian as he closed his eyes and breathed in deep and entwined his fingers with Kurt's. Kurt smiled and turned back to the movie and they continued to watch.

When Sebastian wasn't bed ridden, he was bound to a wheelchair; which he loathed more than anything on the earth but Kurt always tried to make the most of it. They even tried to make the most of the fact that Sebastian now wasn't allowed to leave the house, his parents and his numerous doctors advised against it. When Sebastian was feeling particularly down, Kurt would bring over the makings of a picnic and he would wheel Sebastian out into their large front yard. They would sit together under the shade of the large orange tree and enjoy a picnic, imagining being in a large public park in New York City and they would make up fake gossip about fake classmates and fake co-workers. Despite being sick, Sebastian considered these occasions some of the best days of his life.

Kurt received a call in the middle of the night from Sebastian, requesting his presence at the hill behind his house in approximately one hour. Once they hung up Kurt pulled on the first pieces of clean clothes that he found, an worn-in sweater and grey skin tight jeans and he snuck out of the house as quietly as he could and drove to the nearest 24-hour drive through Starbucks and grabbed two cups of coffee, then made the journey to Westerville. He parked his car on the curb outside of Sebastian's house and climbed up the large hill that wrapped around the back of the house as quickly and safely as he could. He found Sebastian waiting patiently at the top of the hill, sitting in his wheelchair. He was wearing a Dalton hoodie and blue jeans, his hair free from product and Kurt thought that he had never looked better. Sebastian smiled when he saw Kurt approach and hand off his coffee.

"It's no Lima Bean coffee, and I'm sure it's pretty cold by now but I thought you could use a pick me up." Kurt said with a smile as he stood in front of Sebastian, expectant. Sebastian smiled and took a sip, savoring the taste of the coffee.

"What are you doing up here, Bas?" Kurt asked, setting his coffee in the grass. Sebastian did the same and then struggled to stand up from his wheelchair; Kurt stepped forward and took a hold of his arm to help him stand up; he was getting weaker and weaker by the day. Once Sebastian was standing at his full height, he laid his hands on both of Kurt's shoulders and looked into his eyes. They were quiet for a long while, Kurt waiting for Sebastian to say something; Sebastian trying to find the right words.

"The chemo isn't doing any good. So, we're stopping it. We're stopping everything." Sebastian said sadly. He wasn't sad per se, he was ready for everything to be over; he was sad because he was making Kurt sad and that hurt him more than the parts of him that were eating away at other parts of him.

"But - you could keep t-trying…" Kurt could feel his throat begin to close up which meant that he was going to start crying any second now.

"The only thing it's going to do is make my hair fall out - you really don't want that, now do you?" Sebastian said with the hint of a smile on his lips but it didn't reflect back in his eyes.

"So, you're just going to live…until you die?" Kurt said as a tear slipped down his alabaster cheeks, everything felt hopeless. Sebastian's fingers tightened against his shoulders and Kurt lifted his hands up to hold Sebastian's face, his fingers tracing against his cheeks, feeling a bit of scruff forming against his jaw line. Simultaneously, they both felt themselves break; Sebastian was the first one to start leaning towards Kurt until their lips were pushing against each others. Fingers playing with the hairs on the base of their necks; breath mingling between their faces. Kurt never felt emotions as high as these when he kissed Blaine and Sebastian had never experienced this kind of emotion before period. He had never put much stock in love but he would throw all in for Kurt and that was enough for the two of them.

Kurt got nearly another month with Sebastian before he died on January 19th and by then he was a walking cancer in the shape of a man. Kurt sat in the back of the church during the funeral, meeting eyes with Sebastian's mother once before walking out; not staying to listen to the eulogies. He didn't care what other people had to say about Sebastian, he wanted to keep their moments together intact in his mind. He didn't want to talk about him to some distant cousin, their moments together were for no one but the two of them.

Two weeks went by and he was hard at work at the Lima Bean, he moved like a robot, all of his movements were precise and practiced but his mind was floating elsewhere. Everything seemed dull to him these days, like everything in his vision was covered in a early morning haze that he couldn't rub out of his eyes. He saw someone move to the front of the line to order their coffee and he want to take their order. A large vanilla latte, when he looked up from his computer he was met with the blue eyes that he had fallen in love with. Sebastian's mother was standing in front of him. She smiled sadly at Kurt.

"Mrs. Smythe? What are you doing here?" Kurt asked, shocked still in his place.

"Sebastian told me that you worked here. I came to find you." She fished around in her purse for a moment, pulling out her wallet and paying for the latte and then she pulled something else out of her purse and slide it across the counter to Kurt. Sebastian's journal. He stared at it for a long moment before picking it up.

"I read the whole thing. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. When I finished reading it, I couldn't bear to hold onto it and I think the best person to keep it is you." She said, sadness dripping from every word that she spoke. She looked up at him pleadingly, she was asking him to take the last remaining thing in this world that was purely and completely Sebastian.

"I don't know if he ever intended for you to read it, but I think you should keep it." She said just as the barista next to him called out her order. She picked it up and with one last glance towards Kurt, she walked out of the shop.

Once again he was faced with a dilemma, he sat in the middle of his bed staring at Sebastian's journal; to read it or not to read it. After staring at it for almost forty-five minutes Kurt picked it up and flipped it to the last page that had been written on and began to read.

_ Medullo,_

_ I always hear people say that the worst thing about having cancer are the people who try and tip toe around the fact that you have cancer. Instead of treating you to your face like your sick and need to be taken care of they treat you like you are just like everyone else. I thought that was true for the longest time, but in reality it's not the worst thing. The worst thing about having cancer is having fucking cancer._

_ When he looks at me, he doesn't look at me like I have cancer. He looks at me and sees Sebastian just as I look at him and I see Kurt. I'm going to die any day now and I should feel scared but all I feel is Kurt. How did I get here, so in love with a boy when I'm so close to dying?_

_ I'll admit it now Medullo, you won. You stripped me down to practically nothing but one thing that you can never eat away is Kurt._

_ I'll never really die because I'm alive in him._


End file.
